This Life, Take That & the Retro 90’s

So it has begun: the 90’s, the decade of my adolescence has now become retro cool.

Double episodes of cult favourite This Life are being re-run on BBC2 in anticipation of a Christmas special. Take That have reformed, and judging by the amount of supposedly credible TV personalities salivating at their performance on An Audience With…, much to the delight of many.

(By the way, I just happened to be transfixed to the first few minutes of the show in the same way that people stare at a car crash – I was shocked by what I was seeing.)

There seems to be genuine delight, not just by soap actors, but by thousands of (mainly female office workers) people at a certain age (25-35) throughout the country. Fair enough, people want to re-live their youth, but however hard they try surely it is never the same the second time around?

When I was 15 I was a big This Life fan. Staying up after 11 (on a school night! ;o) to watch the 20-somethings drama seemed to add to the edgy nature of the show. I was pleased when I saw that it was being re-run in its entirety on BBC2, and enjoyed the first few instalments of the drama. However, as the series wore on, something struck me: Although it can be enjoyable to re-live your past, it is never as good the second time around.

Nothing is ever as good as you remember it to be. It never can be as the rest of your life has changed. So I stopped watching the re-runs, and to be honest, I really don’t see the point off the Christmas reunion special. The show was very much of its time: when scenes sex, drug taking and alcohol consumption can now be seen on any soap opera, they loose the edge that they had 10 years ago.

As far as Take That are concerned, they have just seen an opportunity to make some money and be celebrated for a while and they have grabbed it with both hands. Which is fair enough, but don’t think for a minute that they are ‘Back for Good’, because they’re not. A new album, best of and a tour and that will be it. Not through lack of trying, but because even their fans will have had enough.

Because although it can be fun to re-live your past, it is only fun for a while. Soon the excitement wears off and you realise why your life changes, why you don’t stay the same forever.

They’re not alone though: Even Oasis have released a best-of this Christmas, after Noel Gallagher once vowed that the only time the band would do such a compilation was when they split.

There clearly is a market for nostalgia and surely it won’t be long before we see an advert on the television along the lines of:

“NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL THE 90’S! – BLUR! OASIS! TAKE THAT! THE PRODIGY! BOYZONE! THE SPICE GIRLS! ALL ON ONE DOUBLE ALBUM!”

It won’t be long, because it will sell shitloads. But amongst the best-ofs and the ‘complete series’ DVDs, remember that there are plenty of exciting media around today.

I loved a lot of things about the 90s: of course I did it was the decade of my adolescence. And if I was to hear a track off Parklife or watch an episode of Game On, for example, then I’d still love it. But it doesn’t mean that I want to re-live these experiences for the rest of my life.

So, as enjoyable re-living your past can be, it can be even more enjoyable to discover new bands/TV shows/films etc. And while the marketing machine knows an easy few million can be made repacking our past and selling it back to us, I’d rather live in the present.

ARU: A Change For Good?

(My University is getting hard on students. These are my thoughts on the matter).

Returning ARU students will have witnessed many changes to their University in the last few years. Although these changes have given the University a more professional edge there is a danger that they will not all be beneficial for students.

This year returning students in Cambridge may have noticed that there have been significant changes to the rules regarding the submission of assignments. Previously if students missed the 3pm deadline, then their essay would have received a LATE stamp and an automatic 10% deduction. Now students who miss the deadline, even by one minute, will receive an automatic mark of 0% for their work. Yes that’s right; hand in your essay at 3.01pm and you will receive a mark of 0% for all your hard work. Obviously the University wants all students to comply with the hand-in regulations, but surely these new rules are going a step too far?

If you walk around campus on an assignment hand-in day you will witness hundreds of students frantically trying to finish their work, struggling with those last 100 words and the temperamental nature of University printers. Go to the Student Information Centre and you will see students desperately trying to find module codes and completing their hand-in sheets in time. Clearly, the University wants to see the end of this hand-in day chaos, but knowing the nature of students it will be interesting to see the number who receive a 0% mark because they miss the deadline.

Another significant change to the rules and regulations at ARU is the new 15/30 curriculum, which has been backed by both students and staff alike and is now in force. However, this streamlining of subjects has meant that many degrees that final year students are taking will not be available to future new students. There have also been rumours about the restructuring of degrees. For example, it has been rumoured that the practical modules on some degrees may be moved to other degrees. Whilst these are rumours, it remains to be seen the full impact that this restructuring will have on student’s education.

It is clear that that the University is becoming more professional: streamlining degrees in an attempt to become a more efficient, cost-effective university. However, whilst many of these changes are welcome, there is a danger that they may have a negative impact on student’s education. The University is now being run more and more as a business, rather than a centre for learning. This may just be the hard facts of the modern education system, but it is important that the University takes into account the affect on student’s university life that any future changes may have.

Music: The Future of the Music Industry

When I started this bog I stated that the Arctic Monkeys were the future of the music industry because of how they generated a huge online fan base. Ten months later and with Google's acquisition of YouTube, the power of the Internet to promote music has stepped up to the next level.

This year has seen massive breakthroughs in the UK music scene by the Arctic Monkeys, Sandi Thom and Lilly Allen. The connection between these artists: The Internet has been a key part of their rise to success.

For the Monkeys it was a case of building a huge online community who had posted copies of their demo CD on the Web. Despite these demos and their subsequent debut album being available online to download for free, the band went on to have the fastest selling debut album in UK chart history. This proved how the distribution of music online can actually increase CD album sales.

For wannabe punk rocker Thom, she was signed by a major label after 70,000 people watched her webcast gigs. Her rise to fame shows how, with internet users up taking faster broadband connections, the webcast gig is becoming an increasingly popular way for a musician to communicate with their audience. In a landmark move the BBC has streamed its Electric Proms concerts online.

Lilly Allen, meanwhile, has found success where thousands of other unsigned artists have failed so far; through the massively popular MySpace Music. Lilly's success shows how useful the Internet can be for promoting unsigned acts. For the huge amount of unsigned artists on sites like MySpace and Channel4 Music, they have a worldwide audience where before their only audience would be their local pubs.

But it is not only unsigned and breakthrough acts who can use the Internet to gain popularity, unfortunately many major acts and their record labels do not realise this. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers are possibly the biggest act in the world at the moment selling millions worldwide. But they reacted angrily when their much anticipated Stadium Arcadium album was leaked online.

What the Chilli's and many other major artists and labels do not realise is that people who share music are promoting an artist, not harming them. This is only my theory, but I believe it is a very plausible one. For an artist to be successful there needs to be an element of hype about their latest release. This is the case for established artists as well as breakthrough artists.

People who download or copy music illegally are likely to share this music with their friends, who go on to recommend the music to their friends; and so the interest in the artist spreads. This trickle effect continues until there is a level of hype about the artist that reaches the national media. When this happens the sort of people who buy their albums in Woolworths are aware of the band and are likely to then go and buy their album.

But even if this is not the case, the actual financial harm to the artist is negligible. Stadium Arcadium is likely to sell millions worldwide, so the Chilli's have hardly gone out of pocket thanks to those who 'stole' their album.

The point is this: The Internet, like music television or radio is a medium for music. In that sense there is not much difference between a downloaded track and a video or song taped from television or radio.

YouTube users who watch, say, a video of Eminem are causing no harm to the artist. In fact is the opposite: the people who watch the artist's video are likely to want to buy the artist's new album or pay to see them perform live.

If a record label knew that 500,000 people had watched their artist's video on MTV or listened to it on Radio1 then they would be very happy. So they should not be scared of their artist's videos being viewed on YouTube.

The real problem for the industry is the issue of copyright. If an artist's song is played on Radio1 or the video for their single is shown on MTV then they get a royalty paid to them. Google are planning to remove thousands of videos from YouTube because they are scared that the copyright holders may sue. Clearly artists and the music industry needs to realise the potential of free sharing of copyright material. But also the law needs to change in order to reflect this sharing of music online.

Sharing music on the Internet for free, whether as a downloaded track or a live webcast or the streaming of a music video, only helps to promote music. It does not harm the artist financially, in fact if they embrace it, it can increase their sales. The sooner the record industry realises this the better it will be for them and also for music fans worldwide.

Sport: Do You Support England?

When it comes to sport, even non-sports fans will admit to supporting England during events like the World Cup. While many people in England would not consider themselves particularly nationalistic, there is something in all of us that is brought out during events such as the World Cup.


A couple of weeks ago a colleague of mine wore an England football shirt to work; apparently he had run out of clean clothes. He was asked by another colleague if he supported England; he replied “no not really, I just got caught up in the hype during the World Cup”.

I wasn’t sure what was more strange: him being asked if he supported England or his reply. Because doesn’t everyone who considers themselves English support England by default?

It’s not like club teams; you can’t pick and choose (although I think you should support your home team, but that’s another matter). What if an English person walked around wearing a Brazil shirt, saying they supported Brazil? Well, it probably does happen, but that’s not the point.

The point is if you consider yourself as English then surely it is only natural that you support England? This is proven by the interest that non-sports fans have in their national team during international tournaments, in particular the World Cup.

This is because when we are cheering on the England football team during the World Cup, what we are celebrating is England the nation, not England the football team.

Witness the plethora of St George crosses hung from cars, homes and workplaces during the last World Cup: You do not see this kind of nationalistic fervour during St George’s day.

There is something about sport, and football in particular that brings together people from all ethnicities and backgrounds and unites them in a way that nothing else does.

Some may say that supporting England is solely a white male activity. But amongst the drunken white males over Parker’s Piece during the World Cup this summer, there were many families including Asian children wearing England shirts with ‘ROONEY’ on their backs.

Sport is something that can unite people in a way that nothing else can. And in an increasingly fragmented world, surely this is a good thing?

Life: Passenger Announcement

Regular commuters are likely to have experienced various things on their travels; from signal failures to drunks on trains. But one of the more peculiar aspects of being a commuter is listening to the variety of passenger announcements.

Standing at a desolate train station in the middle of nowhere recently, under a temporary shelter that was struggling to protect me from the driving rain, I had the pleasure of hearing an automated announcement. It went something like this:

“This is a passenger announcement. Please do not ride skateboards, bicycles or use rollerblades along the station platform. It is dangerous and is illegal.”

I looked around: apart from me, both sides of the platform were empty. Nobody was rollerblading and it certainly did not look like anyone was going too soon.

So why the announcement? I know that it was an automated message, but consider this: What is the likelihood that anybody would actually be skateboarding, bicycling or rollerblading when the announcement happened? Highly unlikely.

So there I stand; a bemused commuter waiting at an empty platform struggling to shelter from the driving rain, to be told that I mustn’t ride my bicycle along the platform.

Perhaps automated announcements should be more relevant to the commuter’s experience. In my case it could have been something along the lines of:

“We would like to apologise for the poor quality of the temporary shelter at this station. The old waiting room was unfortunately burnt down by vandals, but we will not be replacing it this year as it will not help us to reach our yearly profit forecast.”

However, sometimes messages that are too honest are more unpleasant to hear. Upon arrival at Cambridge station recently I heard an announcement over the station tannoy by an actual person apologising for the late arrival of another train. The announcement was surprisingly frank:

“We would like to apologise to customers arriving at platform two for the late arrival of their train. This was due to a suicidal person in the Shepreth area.”

The starkness of this announcement was increased when I thought of the automated message I had heard previously and I wondered what sort of announcement I would prefer to hear.

Do I want to be told as I stand at an empty platform not to use a skateboard? No. But at the other end of the spectrum, would I want to know that a train had been delayed because someone had committed suicide? Probably not. There’s no real link between the two, but I’d rather have to hear pointless automated messages for the rest of my life in exchange for someone taking their own life.

Music, Sport, Life: Relaunch

Music, Sport, Life was originally set up for an English module called 'Writing for the Web'.

As you can see, I haven't been writing much of late, but I am about to relaunch M.S.L as a personal blog.

The relaunch will see a new template for the blog and three 'special' postings.

More to come...

World Cup Fever

The sun is out and the World Cup is almost here. There is a real feeling of excitement and expectation amongst millions of people across England. The St George cross is being proudly flown from cars, homes, pubs and workplaces. This is the power of sport; and the climax of the greatest sport of all. Nothing else, not Big Brother, not X Factor or any other 'reality' television show that is meant to provide water-cooler moments can compare.

This summer promises to be a spectacular celebration of England. It will unite people from all backgrounds in a way that we haven't seen since the funeral of Dianna and will provide a feel-good factor not seen since the election of Labour in the glorious summer of '97. Imagine if England actually win the World Cup: the levels of hysteria and insanity will be unprecedented. I have no idea what the V.E celebrations were like but that is the only comparison I can think of. Obviously there is a massive difference between the end of a war in which millions died and a football tournament, but that will be forgotten by the red tops if England goes all the way. As glorious as the Rugby World Cup and Ashes triumphs were, if England win you can multiply those celebrations by a hundred and you won't even be close.

But even if England don't win, it is still set to be a fantastic tournament. One and a half billion people are expected to watch the opening ceremony. People from every continent on the planet will be experiencing the same pictures at the same time. And thanks to Australia's participation it will be a truly global event. Bring it on...

Jack and Coke

Indie icon and musical maverick Jack White has shocked many of his fans by recording a song for Coca-Cola. So has the flag-bearer of logo-free rock music really sold out?

“Do a commercial and you’re off the artistic roll-call forever. Every word you say is suspect. You are just another corporate whore at the capitalist gang bang.” Bill Hicks

“Madonna drinks Coke and so you can too, tastes real good not like a sweet poison should.” Manic Street Preachers

McDonalds had Justin Timberlake and Loving It. Now Coca-Cola has Jack White and Love is the Truth. McDonalds and Coca-Cola: two all-conquering multinationals synonymous with the dark side of capitalism. This is why the man who once rejected a deal to appear in a Gap advert has surprised so many of his fans by composing a song for the ‘sweet poison’ that is Coke.

The reason he has given for recording the song may surprise fans even more than hearing that The White Stripes front man had agreed to the deal. Jack has confessed that he loves Coke and this is why he agreed to write a song for one of their commercials. He loves it so much that he has declared it “the greatest drink ever made by man”. He is also a long term Coke fanatic, having reportedly written over 100 songs in celebration of the fizzy drink when he was a teenager.

Many have been quick to criticise the musician, but remember this is Jack White we are talking about here. He is a man who is dripping with mystery and a man who is, to say the least, unconventional. So unconventional in fact that he sees nothing wrong with writing a song for a drink that is a symbol of conformity?

It is not as if he has sold a song from his back catalogue for an advertisement, a la Moby. All 18 tracks of the vegan's 1999 album Play have featured in various commercials. The White Stripes singer defended his decision to record the song in an interview with N.M.E: "I've been offered the opportunity to write a song in a way which interests me as a songwriter. I certainly wouldn't want a song that I'd already written to be used on a commercial".

It has been pointed out that The White Stripes’ colours of red and white are the same colours as…you’ve guessed it. So was this bold tribute to simplicity really influenced by the colours of the most famous soft drink brand of all time? We may never know. But before some of his fans call for his head, we should give Jack White some leeway. Yes, he has written a song for a commercial, but it is for a drink that has reportedly had some influence in his life. So no Coke, no Jack, not as we know him, anyway.

So we will forgive him for now. But like the drink that he is singing about, it is still likely to leave a bitter-sweet taste in the mouths of his fans.

The Cult Of Bill Hicks

Twelve years after his death, Bill Hicks’ popularity continues to grow. With the recent releases of a DVD and a biography, interest in the late comedian has risen far beyond anything from when he was alive. Some of his fans even consider him as something of a prophet. So why is there such a fascination with a man who when he died was still relatively obscure? Welcome to the cult of Bill Hicks…

(Click here to download a printable version of this article)

“It’s great to be back here. Wherever the hell I am, I always have a great time when I’m here.”

This year has seen the release of Relentless, a DVD of one of his live shows, and Agent Of Evolution, a biography by his childhood friend Kevin Booth. These releases highlight the fascination with the controversial comedian that has continued to grow since his untimely death from pancreatic cancer in 1994 at the age of just 32.

“I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a
fake smile and pile through this shit one more time.”

Hicks performed his first gig when he was 13; at 17 he was a regular performer at the Comedy Workshop in Houston, Texas, while he was still at high-school. He spent the 1980s touring across America, regularly performing more than 250 shows a year. In the late 80s he made regular appearances on Tonight With David Letterman before finding international success in the early 90s.

“I don’t do drugs anymore... than say the average touring funk band.”

This may seem like a normal career path for a comedian, but Bill Hicks was anything but a normal comedian. His views on abortion and attacks on pro-lifers caused his final performance on Letterman to be axed as it was felt that his material wouldn’t go down well with the shows sponsors.

“If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical
clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

Abortion, the Gulf War, the L.A. Riots, religion, smoking, guns, drugs, and pornography: nothing was sacred as far as Hicks’ comedy was concerned.

“A lot of Christians wear crosses on their necks. Do you think that when Jesus
comes back he wants to see a fucking cross?”

His vitriolic critiques of American society meant that he never had massive success in the States, confining him to the small club circuit for over a decade. Hicks even named one of his tours ‘The Flying Saucer Tour’ as “like UFOs, I too will be appearing at small Southern towns”. However, his seemingly anti-American stance caused his popularity to soar when he toured Europe in the early 90s, playing to appreciative crowds, culminating in the career defining sold-out performance at the 2,000 seat Dominion Theatre in London, which was recorded for Channel 4 and is available on the Totally Bill Hicks DVD. As writer Eric Bogosian said of Hicks, “There’s this sort of tornado moving around the stage and cycling around and throwing all this energy at you”.

(Sarcastically)“There is no connection, and you would be a fool and a communist
to make one…between having a gun and shooting someone with it and not having a gun and not shooting someone with it.”

Hicks was arrogant and confrontational and this was certainly part of his appeal. People love an outsider, an angry young man, but with Hicks his performances were much more than stand-up comedy. Many fans have compared Hicks to a preacher, even a prophet, and it is clear when you watch his shows that he is a naturally gifted performer. Hicks sought enlightenment and wanted to awaken his audiences from what he saw as the hegemonic devices of capitalist America. As Hicks said, “As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people”.

“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend that you look around the world
that we live…and shut your fucking mouth.”

Despite his venomous attacks on American society, Hicks did not hate people; what he hated was the ways in which the government and multinational corporations had created an apathetic and docile society. He attacked manufactured pop stars, calling performers like Vanilia Ice “ball-less, soul-less suckers of Satan’s cock”. He labelled television as “Lucifer’s dream box” and said that watching it was “like spraying black spray paint into your third eye”. And he famously told people in marketing and advertising to “kill themselves”.

This may be the reason why Hicks popularity continues to grow after his death. The world we live in today is dominated by manufactured pop stars, barrel-scraping ‘reality’ television shows, and we are saturated by advertisements on a daily basis. As Tracy, a fan from the UK commented on an article that marked the 10th anniversary of his death:

“Bill Hicks comments on society are as relevant today as they were when he first spoke them…I believe he certainly provoked and challenged and that’s why he is remembered today.”

When you listen to his passionate critiques of the Gulf War, the comparisons between what he said about Bush Senior and the behaviour of Bush Junior a decade later are extremely poignant.

“A war is when two armies are fighting. So you see, right there, I think we can
all agree it wasn’t exactly a war.”

Maybe it is because people are more cynical today that Hicks’ humour is given such value. And it can be argued that this cynicism is a result of the post-9/11 world that we live in. For many fans watching a George W. Bush speech on the news, there is a longing for Hicks to be alive so that we could hear what he would have to say about the antics of Bush Junior. As Neil, a fan from Thailand states:

“It really is a shame that Hicks isn’t around to see how his targets have grown in influence. From Bush’s war and vested corporate interests to the religious right, all of them riper than ever to be on the receiving end of Hicks’ quick-fire wit and venom.”

Although much of his comedy is still relevant today, for some who are less passionate about his work, his continued popularity is seen as a result of his early death, what some would term the ‘Princess Diana syndrome’. UK comedy writer Tirmandra Harkness says that Hicks’ longevity is a result of “the fact that he died tragically young and therefore retains the seductive perfume of unfulfilled promise”.

“All our beliefs are being challenged now, and rightfully so – they’re stupid.”

Yes, some of Hicks' mystique does come from the fact that he died young. And as a result he has become canonised by some of his fans alongside great musicians such as Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain who all died young. Some consider him a genius, some consider him as one of the greatest comedians ever. There certainly seems to be no-one as passionate or as controversial as Hicks around today. Chris Rock may come close, but he does not quite have the same sense of authority that Hicks had.

“I hate patriotism. I can’t stand it…It’s a round world last time I checked.”

That authority may be posthumous and yes, it is impossible to view Hicks' career objectively after his death. Nevertheless, it is a combination of his humour still being relevant today and his early death that causes the cult of Bill Hicks to continue to grow. For many fans there is a sense of sadness in the fact that he is not alive today to vent his anger at an increasingly fractured world, yet there is also relief in listening to a man passionately articulating the frustrations that many of us feel today. The fact that what he was saying is over a decade old but is still strikingly relevant is what causes Hicks’ reputation to continue to grow.

“We are the facilitators of our own evolution.”

However, it doesn’t matter if Bill Hicks is regarded as a genius or the greatest comedian ever: what matters is that like Jim Morrison, like Jimi Hendrix and like Kurt Cobain, Bill Hicks spirit lives on through the love of his fans. Hicks last words, read at his memorial by his brother, were:

“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”

To his fans this will always remain true.

Want more Bill Hicks?
Watch this: Totally Bill Hicks
Read this: Love All the People
Listen to this: Rant in E-Minor

Assignment: Inspired by PostSecret

I smile and Nod...

...a short story inspired by PostSecret

(click here to download a printable version)

I smile and nod…but I’m not usually interested in what you’re saying. It may look like it, but I’ve done this so many times before that I know the way the conversation will go. As long as I smile and nod in the correct order then I don’t have to commit any important part of my brain to your miserable little life.

Many people consider this to be a stressful job and wonder how I can ever manage it; but for me it is easy, even almost enjoyable. It is like meditating all day; you become supremely calm at the end of it. I let my brain sleep during the day so that I can think about the important things at night.

Not that life and death isn’t important; but I believe that it is a waste of time being miserable when you’re young just so that you can lead a long and miserable life being old. The families of these poor sods clearly realise this as they dump their so-called beloved parents in this shit hole at the earliest available opportunity.

I don't mind my job, it's not that bad really. I’m very lucky somehow because all the old guys and dears like talking to me so much that it’s usually someone else who has to do the dirty jobs – I’m talking about the toilet here. But even when I have to do it then I’m not particularly bothered. I just put on some latex gloves and do what has to be done.

For most people it would take a lot of money for them to help a demented 80-year-old man go to the toilet. But it doesn’t bother me and neither does the fact that I don’t get paid a lot of money to do it. The basic wage is pretty poor really, and there is a high turnover of staff. People come and go, faces pass by everyday, but like I said I don’t really take any notice of what is going on during the day. It is just a front, a means to an end for my nocturnal activities. For wherever there is a lot of old people then there is always a shit load of drugs.

I’m talking painkillers specifically- Vicodin, Methadone, Codiene and Morphine. What would I want a large quantity of painkillers for? Well to sell: not to users but to dealers. I’m a reliable supplier and in return I get paid – not only in money but in protection, which is invaluable for what I have got planned. Because if it all works out, then I’m going to be pissing off a lot of important people - big time.

So what does drug money pay for? I can’t tell you yet, this is totally top secret. For if anyone found out what I’ve got planned then I would be locked up instantly. But that doesn’t matter for now as another day is nearly over. The end to my charade life and the beginning of my real one.

The security in here is so lax; no wonder I get away with stealing so many drugs. The main doors aren’t even locked on the inside and anyone could just walk out.

“Mr Johnston”

Fuck, it’s Debbie, or Dawn, I don’t take any notice of names. But whatever her name is I’m sure she’s on to me, she always looks at me as if she knows what I’m really up to. I turn round to face her, and give her the vacant look that through time I’ve worked to perfection. She sighs and says:

“You know that you’re not allowed outside without any supervision. And I’m sorry but we haven’t got enough staff at the moment. Come on, I’ll take you back to the day room. And what’s this about you stealing medicine from the drugs trolley? Kim said that she found a load of tablets underneath your bed. You know that you can’t just go round helping yourself. She wanted to report it but I said that you’re such a nice old man, you never hurt anyone, hardly say a word. Just sit there in your chair all day. I often wonder what you’re thinking about… Come on, I’ll take you back”.

I smile and nod.

British Banks Show Their True Colours

The Office of Fair Trading has recently declared that the practice of banks and credit card companies charging extortionate late payment and overdraft fees as 'illegal' and ruled that the banks must cap their future charges at £12.

But whilst this may seem like a victory for the consumer it may not be, as banks are likely to compensate for the loss of profits by charging customers in other ways.

Credit cards: They own you

Last Thursday (06/04/06), the Office of Fair Trading (O.F.T.) declared that the practice of British banks and credit card companies charging large late-payment and overdraft fees as 'illegal'.

The report came after campaigning from pressure groups, including the consumer association Which? to drop the excessive charges.

Typical charges are around £20, but the O.F.T. has stated that in the future all banks must comply to a maximum fine of £12, so that the fee only reflects the real cost to the bank in administration costs.

The banks have until May 31st to respond to the O.F.T's statement, and they may face penalties if they do not implement the capped fines.

However, many industry experts believe that banks may introduce other charges, such as membership fees, in order to make up in the loss of profits that capped fines would bring, and some insiders have warned that this may lead to the end of free banking.

What is so shocking about this is that these further charges are even a possibility.

Yes, banks will face a loss in profits, as charges account for as much as 5% of income of the major banks.

But in an industry that is recording record profits, surely it is only right to charge customers openly and fairly.

Hopefully at least one major bank will make the bold decision to not introduce other charges as this is likely to lead to other banks following or finding that their customers will be switching their accounts.

Stupid Corporate Names

How the privatisation of British industries has led to a surge of companies with pointless names, who make promises that are as empty as their own titles.

Two words: British Rail. It’s pretty obvious what that stands for. Even for someone with the briefest command of the English language, it wouldn’t take them long to work it out.

What then, does One or First Capital Connect stand for? Not so obvious; perhaps a bank or some other kind of financial service? Well, One and First Capital Connect are actually the train companies that this writer regularly uses.

First Capital Connect: A bank account or a railway company?

I say I “use them”, but I’m sure that they would say that I “facilitate their services” or something as equally pretentious or pointless as that. Indeed, witness these gems from the First Capital Connect website:

• ‘…a new company bringing fresh ideas and a determination to improve your journey experience’


• ‘we see the new franchise as an opportunity to develop real, tangible benefits for customers across the board’


• ‘…deliver the levels of customer service that will transform your journey experience’

Not only are they promising to ‘improve my journey experience’ they say that they will ‘transform it’ too. And as for the ‘real, tangible benefits’, what exactly are they? Let’s get to grips with reality: You are a TRAIN company. That’s it, nothing else. So please, drop the flowery language.

Now, and I believe I’m speaking for most commuters here, the only things that people want from a train company is for it to provide regular services that are on time, preferably not overcrowded and hopefully at a reasonable price.

None of these issues were mentioned on First Capital Connect’s website or in any of their promotional material. So it is just another case of a company making promises that are as empty as their name sounds.

Although the name First Capital Connect may sound like a type of bank account, you do have to give them some credit as at least their title is composed of words found in the Oxford English Dictionary.

So we now turn to those companies who have spent millions on corporate re-banding, only to see their established names transform into a mixture of Greek and Latin gobbledegook. For example, The Post Office became Consignia and British Steel became Corus. Of these it was the name change to Consignia that was the biggest disaster.

Back in 2001, in an attempt to cure The Post Office’s ailing woes, their new boss decided on a name change in an attempt to loose the supposed stigma of lazy, militant postmen that was apparently responsible for the company’s decline.

At a reported cost of £2 million the name Consignia was born; the name originating from the Latin word “to consign”. Within two years, the name was dropped, the company reverting to a much more sensible Royal Mail Group Plc. The only thing that it was “consigned” to was the bin, the name spectacularly backfiring on its creators and becoming synonymous with the company’s woes.

Consignia: Consigned to the rubbish bin

Names such as Consignia originate when marketing people decide that by taking words from the Greek and Latin languages and combining them, they will create a name that is dynamic and cutting edge. These are the sort of ideas that come from people who are brought up in a business world where pretentious promotional writing is the ruling language.

Publicity people, press officers, spin doctors, whatever you want to call them; their job is to disguise the truth. Think about it: when was the last time you saw an advertisement from a major corporation that made real statement about, for example, their trains running on time? You don’t. Instead you get empty promises about things like ‘real tangible benefits across the board’.

The scary thing is that these people are in control of the thousands of advertisements that we see every day. They have a lot of power over our lives and affect us all even if we are not conscious of it. But it is time to fight back: next time you see such an advertisement, do not be fooled by it. Instead realise that its promises are as empty as the stupid name of the company that paid for it.

From Hero to Whore

When I was nine, this man
was my hero...

---

...Fifteen years later,
I think he is a corporate whore

The Joy Of The New

Discovering a new band: It is surely one of the greatest joys there is in life.

Now I use the words 'discovering' and 'new' tentatively, because firstly it is unlikely that no-one has not heard of the band before and secondly that the band does not have to be new. Simply, it is the process of falling in love with a band that you never really considered before.

For example, about four years ago this writer was aware of a band called The Doors. Old group, Light My Fire, not interested, I thought. That was until I listened to their best of and in particular the live version of Roadhouse Blues. As soon as I heard Jim Morrison screaming the infamous lyrics: "I woke up this morning and got myself a beer, the future's uncertain and the end is always near", I instantly understood everything.

And that is the secret to why we fall in love with certain bands: Because somehow, their music, their lyrics, their artwork, their image, everything - it all adds up to the perfect explanation of how we feel at a certain point in time. That time is right now. And nothing can better articulate how we feel than a band that we love.

The Doors: So far ahead of their time that they're still cool.

Fast forward to the present and The Zutons with Tired of Hanging Around. Now, I quite liked You Will You Won't, the big single from their debut album Who Killed The Zutons, but I didn't really give them much thought other than that. However, when I heard their new single Why Won't You Give Me Your Love, something clicked inside of me. Principally the part of my brain where pleasure and excitement lives. I was excited, I knew that this was a band of rare quality and who promised much more.

The first listen of ...Hanging Around didn't disappoint. Everything in the title track confirmed what I'd already thought: That I had found a new musical love. Witness their lyrics: "These should be the best years of your life, but you worry all the goodness away". Yes, that is me. The perfect marriage of rolling drumbeats, sonic guitars and heartfelt lyrics, resulting in joy, pure joy!

The Zutons: Cheer up, we love you!

As per normal, I seem to have fallen upon a new love a bit too late, as their gig at The Junction has sold out (a similar thing happened with The Mighty Boosh). However, thank fuck for the modern miracle/car boot sale that is eBay.

How does it feel? It feels fucking great thanks, Zutons.

Assignment: Non-web Content

Crisis? What Crisis?

- How the England cricket team’s current ‘tour from hell’ to India has been anything but that.

(Click here to download a printable version of this article)

September 12th 2005 – England win the Ashes after 16 years of Australian dominance, the nation rediscovers its love affair with the national summer sport and England are declared the best side in the world. Heady times indeed; just looking back at the sunny photographs from last summer conjures up feelings of joy and euphoria. After so many failed attempts, England had finally beaten the best side in the world bar none; thereby many concluded, taking their title as the best cricket team on the planet.

England team celebrate the Ashes victory

However, for many cricket experts there was just one stipulation to this announcement: that England have to win in the subcontinent. For various reasons – heat, illness, boredom, fierce local support – tours to Pakistan and India are always difficult. But with the Ashes success still fresh in their minds England headed to Pakistan in November with a genuine chance of victory. England lost the three Test series 2-0.

If the Pakistan tour was difficult then the side knew that India would be even harder. India are virtually invincible at home; even Australia didn’t used to win there until recently. What was needed if England were to have any chance of victory was a strong captain. Vaughan’s tactical nous and inventive field placings were integral to the Ashes triumph. However, before even a ball had been bowled in anger Vaughan was sent home with a recurrence of a knee problem that may jeopardise his future career. Step forward deputy captain Marcus Trescothick – England opening batsman and a key part of the side’s resurgence as a cricketing force. Trescothick was soon also on the plane home due to personal reasons.

India tour casualties:
Ashley Giles – hip
Michael Vaughan – knee
Marcus Trescothick – personal reasons
Simon Jones – knee
Steve Harmison – shin
Alistair Cook – gastroenteritis

So the captaincy, perhaps a poisoned chalice by now, was handed to the side’s dynamo all-rounder and general cricketing talisman, Andrew Flintoff. None other than the controversial former England run-machine Geoffrey Boycott had championed Flintoff’s name for possible future captaincy duties. The humility that Flintoff displayed towards Australia fast-bowler Brett Lee after the later came so close to winning the second Ashes Test for his country is marked by many as a highlight of last summer and a pivotal moment in Flintoff’s career. Indeed, the dignity in which Flintoff handed his sudden thrust into the spotlight was a refreshing change to the publicity-courting antics of the likes of David Beckham. What was feared however, was that with the responsibilities of captaincy Flintoff’s form with bat and ball which are a key part of England’s game, would decline. But Flintoff has probably been the tourist’s most consistent player in the series getting runs and taking wickets in all three tests.

Flintoff hits his 22nd half-century in the third Test

Losing Trescothick and Vaughan left a large hole in England’s batting line-up. This gave Paul Collingwood a chance and he responded in style with an excellent 134 not out in the opening Test match. Collingwood, a brilliant one-day player whose Test career has largely been overlooked, looks to have finally cemented his place in the Test side.

Another key part of England’s Ashes triumph was the bowling of Simon Jones, in particular his ability to reverse-swing the old ball, a useful skill on the subcontinent. Jones broke down before the first Test with a knee injury – a different knee to the one he damaged in the fourth Ashes Test. With Jones ruled out the series, much would rely on the other fast bowlers, in particular Matthew Hoggard and Steve Harmison. Hoggard did not have a successful Ashes series, but this was soon forgotten with his 6-54 in the opening Test match. Harmison has also produced with the ball this series, finding steep bounce out of the flat pitches. So when Harmison was ruled out of the crucial final test with a shin injury, England looked to have even less of a chance of squaring the series. But James Anderson, whose last Test wicket was 14 months ago, stepped up to produce the kind of performance that brought his name to fame 4 years ago. His 4-40 and a spectacular run-out of India’s top scorer, Mahendra Singh Dohni has put England into a position to where they can win the final test match and square the series.

To win in India you need to have a spinner who can take wickets against possibly the best players of spin in the world. India is a spinner’s paradise – the hot, dry climate creates baked and cracked pitches that encourage spin. India, in the off-spin bowler Harbajan Singh and the veteran leg-spinner Anil Kumble, currently have two of the best spin bowlers in the world. However, they also possess batsman who are equally adept at playing spin – notably Rahul Dravid and the ‘little master’ Sachin Tendulkar.

So for England to win they needed a spinner who was on top of his game. England have improved immensely under Vaughan, but one problem still remains – the England spin cupboard is almost bare. The green pitches in England are much more suitable to seam bowling and so there is little chance for any hopeful young spinners. Not since Derek Underwood have England had a spinner who could take regular wickets at international level. Ashley Giles is more of a containing bowler who frustrates rather than attacks the opposition, but his surge in form became a key part in England’s successes. So when Giles was ruled out of the tour with a hip injury you could forgive the England management for panicking. Giles was replaced by three spinners – the county veteran Shaun Udal who had an unsuccessful tour of Pakistan; all-rounder Ian Blackwell; and the promising rookie Monty Panesar. Few predicted that Panesar would actually play in the series, let alone start the first Test. His place on the tour was apparently just for experience. Not only did Panesar start the first Test; he took his debut wicket – none other than Indian batting supremeo Sachin Tendulkar. Out of the three spinners on the tour, Panesar has been the most successful and looks to challenge Giles’ place in the team this summer.

Panesar celebrates his debut Test wicket

Quickly following Panesar’s successful debut was fellow debutant Alistair Cook. Cook, aged just 21, hit an impressive 104 in the opening Test match. With an assurance that surpassed his years, Cook looked the part and is likely to remain a fixture in the England top order. England would be looking to Cook for more heroics if they were to win the final Test. However Cook woke up on the first morning of the final Test with gastroenteritis, or Delhi belly if you like, and it looked as if the bad luck England has experienced on this tour would never end. This handed Owais Shah a debut and he responded by hitting a stylish 88 in the first innings.

Collingwood and Cook had a very successful opening Test

As this is written, England have set India a target of 313 and have a genuine chance of winning the third Test match and drawing the series 1-1. If they do then it will be a massive success considering that 5 Ashes players have been ruled out for all or part of this series. However if they do loose the series then this tour should not be looked upon as a failure. The successful debuts of Cook, Panesar and Shah, and the resurgence of Anderson, Collingwood and Hoggard have provided great hope for the future of the England side. Once all their players are fit and available England will truly be challenging for that number one status again.

India tour successes:
Paul Collingwood – Scored 134 not out in the opening Test to cement his place in the England middle-order
Monty Panesar – Dismissed Tendulkar for his debut wicket. Finally the England spin cupboard is not so bare
Matthew Hoggard – 6-54 in the first Test shows that he is back to his best
Alistair Cook – Only the 10th England player to score a century on his Test debut
Owais Shah – Classy 88 in the third Test indicates that he has a bright future
James Anderson – 4-40 and a spectacular run-out in the final Test
Andrew Flintoff– Proved that he can still perform whilst in charge. Will be the next England captain

Assignment: Unique Web Content

Posted on shoutwire.com

Road to Guantanamo Actors Held at Airport

With a level of irony that almost defies belief, two of the actors from Michael Winterbottom's new film 'The Road to Guantanamo' were held at Luton Airport upon their arrival from the Berlin Film Festival.

The actors were held under new laws passed from the Prevention of Terrorism Bill.

Is this the ugliest farce of the year or the next step on the way to a 1984-esque future? Either way it is incredibly ironic.

Assignment: Bad Web Content Rewritten

Concept Marketing Group Inc

Design:

Firstly, I would remove the annoying flash image as it distracts from the content and there is no need for it to be there in the first place.

Secondly, I would centre the content as it may make the page easier to read. It may not, but style-wise it would look better.

Finally, I would remove the maze of various menu options and replace them with one clear bold menu option at the top of the page below the banner.

Content:

Menu:

Currently the menu, although it is hard to locate, looks like this:

home | about us | articles | press release distribution | printing/mailing services

Directory of associations | chamber directory | vendor directory | business lists | marketing services

I would replace the current 11 options with just 6, which are as follows:

HOME-ABOUT-SERVICES- DIRECTORIES-DOWNLOADS-CONTACT

The About page would contain some of the information that would be removed from the Home page.

The Articles, Press Release Distribution, Printing/Mail Services and Business Lists pages from the original content would all come under the Services page.

The Directory of Associations, Chamber Directory and Vendor Directory pages would all come under the Directories page.

Downloads would contain all of the downloadable brochures of the company's services.

And Contact, would (you've guessed it) contain all the company's contact details, along with a 'get a quote' form.

Writing:

I would replace the current over-the-top marketing drivel of the Homepage with the following:

Welcome to Concept Marketing Group.

We are a marketing consultancy firm covering every aspect you may require.

We work with your company to:

• Increase your profitability,
• Improve your company identity,
  
• And grow your customer base.

Our clients range from Fortune 500 companies to small local businesses. Whatever your company needs, Concept Marketing Group will fulfil your requirements.

Assignment: Bad Web Content

There are a lot of bad company websites out there:

Some websites have amateurish design. How can they claim to ''take your business seriously'' when their website looks like it was designed by a 5-year-old?

Others are bad because of their annoying moving images and pretentious writing. What exactly does "results-orientated solutions" mean?

Some, although have good intensions, let themselves down by trying to cram everything onto one page.

And others just don't work.