Temporarily Vacant

“I don't work 'cause I don't have to, I don't have to work there's no work to do.”

– Nite Club, The Specials.

Ah, the joys of doing nothing. Get up when you like, get dressed when you like, drink when you like, do whatever you like. There is much to say for being unemployed; not working does everyone the world of good – that’s why weekends and holidays were invented.

All you workers out there are invariably suffering from one or more of the following ailments: tiredness, overweight due to poor quality lunch, microwave dinners and lack of exercise, and bored because you never have time to do what you want to do. Not working gives you the chance to have as many hours sleep as you bloody well like, spend more time cooking a meal than it takes to eat it, and doing everything else that you have been putting off for months.

Sounds great but there are a few problems with the being a new member of the UK’s 1.65 million unemployed. Firstly, not having a job essentially means that you are your own boss. Whilst this is undoubtedly a good thing, it is quite likely that your first decision as your own boss will be to give yourself the day/week/month off. Why bother doing all the things you’ve been wanting to do today when you can sit on the sofa and drink beer and eat crisps instead?

Secondly, once you’ve got off your lazy arse and worked your way through your list of things to do, doing nothing suddenly becomes a bit boring. All of a sudden working and all the pains that it may bring seems very appealing. And of course the most appealing thing is being paid for your labour. Not working means not earning, so before you get to the point where you have to sell your kidney on the internet, it is time to look for work.

So there you are ready and willing to return to the world of work and the rigours of job hunting. You have a quick look and there’s nothing there; thousands of jobs, but nothing suitable for you – depressing. So you have a better look and find a few promising vacancies – exciting. You then wait for weeks and hear nothing from the jobs you have applied for – depressing. And then it happens – the scariest and most exciting part of the job application process – the job interview.

Freshly cut, shaved, showered, laundered and polished; you arrive ahead of time at the mystical address of the interview. You are promptly greeted by a banal greeting such as ‘thanks for coming’, before being ushered into a room where your fate will be decided.

It is hard to know what goes through the mind of an interviewer but surely the only thing they should be thinking is ‘can he do the job?’ To determine this they have the habit of asking awkward questions such as ‘you’ve told us about your strengths, now tell us about your weaknesses’. What are they expecting you to say? How about ‘yes my weakness is that I am a compulsive liar, everything that I have told you in the last 30 minutes is not true’. It sums up the unnecessary inconvenience of the job application process.

At the end of the interview the candidate is asked if he has any questions. Perhaps he should say ‘yes you’ve told me about the strengths of the company, now tell me about your weaknesses’.